What is Trauma?

Trauma in Greek means "wound." In our discussion of trauma, we are referring to events that can impact your view of your life. The wounds we address are often considered invisible.

Grief

Most of us deal with loss in different ways. We don't handle loss well. We want things to go our way. When my 48-year-old father was diagnosed with brain cancer, I felt as though he was getting ripped off. When my first marriage ended without warning, I was devastated. I carried these wounds for a long time. I have learned there are roadblocks to grieving well.

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#1- Replacement- This is something we learned at a young age. When the family pet passes away, we are told we can REPLACE it with another. Or when we experience a breakup in a relationship, we are told there are more fish in the sea.

#2-Enshrinement- One of the most common temptations in the grieving process is to turn the person we've lost into a saint. We often forget the hardships and troubles the person may have caused us. I know of a family where the husband passed away unexpectedly, leaving a big hole in the family. They built an altar for him. On one of the family walls are pictures and figurines with incense burning to remember him.

#3-Bedevilement- This roadblock exists on the opposite end of the spectrum from the enshrinement. It can be just as harmful. The term "bedevilement" was coined by Russel Friedman, the author of "The Grief Recovery Handbook."  Rather than seeing the person you have labeled as a monster, as a real person. We feel we can emotionally distance ourselves by making them an evil person.

#4-Isolation- Most people don't know how to help someone who is grieving. Oftentimes, they say the wrong things at the wrong time and linger longer than they should. They don't know how to grieve well themselves. Because of this, we tend to go into isolation, we stay away from people, so we don't have to be reminded of our pain.

#5- Unfinished Business- This is where we feel compelled to carry on the life of the person we lost.  We may think that there is an incompleteness. The sense of being incomplete is an accumulation of undelivered communications that have emotional value to us.  

Finding My Identity

When we experience trauma, our self-perception is shaken to the core. Where we once saw ourselves as rational, self-sufficient, and strong, we now identify ourselves as afraid, unsure, confused, powerless, and helpless. Our behaviors change, our plans are disrupted, and our values and ambitions are affected.

The question is "Who Am I? Why and I here?"  We have to recognize that trauma has caused us to live a lie; we have to change our perception.

What are the road blocks that keep me from seeking healing from my trauma?

Four significant roadblocks keep us from seeking help.

1. Denial - Let's be honest, when we are hurt, our initial reaction is to say, "We're okay" or "We can handle it." The challenge is that as long as we ignore the pain, the greater its impact will be on us.

2. Emotions- When we ignore the pain we are dealing with, we tend to get anxious, angry, depressed, and isolated. We lose control of our emotions. They begin to be the driver of our lives.

3. Masking - this is where we try to conceal the pain. We use anything that will mask the pain. We will abuse drugs and alcohol to the point where we can no longer use them because they are ineffective. People tend to overwork to keep their minds occupied. People also have promiscuous sex or act out dangerously. When this stops working

4. Run-people run from the pain, thinking that if they keep their distance, the pain will remain behind. This is where people decide to end their pain and cross the bridge into eternity.

Overcoming Guilt

Trauma oftentimes brings us to a place where we feel that we are the cause of the trauma we experienced. Feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. Guilt can either help us move forward or leave us stuck looking backward. Too many trauma survivors are doing time for a crime that someone else committed.

Shame

Guilt says," I did something bad."  Shame says," I am bad". How many times have you blamed yourself for the trauma you experienced? You hear comments like, "you are a loser and your family would be better off without you."  You see yourself as an outcast, not belonging to the world around you. Shame is easily weaponized. Narcissistic attackers will often relocate their shame onto others. To escape the self-diminishing effects of shame, attackers may show contempt towards others, thereby displacing their shame onto others.

People who feel ashamed may attribute virtually any unfavorable outcome to the lurking sense of deficiency they find in themselves.

This feeling can dominate our lives.